Has this ever happened to you?
You wake up on a weekend morning (or a day off) and you don’t know what do with yourself. Your mind starts running to all the things you should do… or you think you should do… or you start comparing yourself to what others might be doing (especially if you tend to check out social media as part of your morning routine).
So, that happened to me this morning. A beautiful Saturday summer’s morning, a full day off ahead of me, and I fall into the trap of my thoughts and judgements, and then can’t find my way back. It began by “wasting” (hello judgement) a ½ hour of my life (probably more but I’m too embarrassed to admit it) watching videos on facebook, and then beating myself up for it. Then came the need to be productive every minute: I should clean the house, get my bike out for a bike ride, mow my lawn, work on my financials spreadsheet, order some business supplies, go to the beach, visit my mother, look up recipes for all the vegetables from my farm share… oh yea, clean out the fridge to make room for those veggies, empty the dishwasher, do some laundry… and that’s just the beginning!
Throughout these “to do” thoughts I remember: hmm, I haven’t meditated yet this morning. But I’ll do that later. First I have to figure out this, or maybe do that. The anxiety grows and start feeling bad about myself. Then, finally, when I realize I feel so jumpy that I feel outside myself, I STOP.
I.Must.Meditate.
And although to urge to put if off after I do one more thing is strong, I walk to my meditation cushion, sit my butt down, and choose to do a guided meditation from Insight Timer.
So I breathe and I connect to my body. I feel my anxiety. A strong sense of contraction in my chest and throat. I allow that to be ok. I listen to guided breath work. I breathe in deeply, and release out the need to control. I breathe out attaching to the future. I breathe out and release the feelings of tension. My mind slows. My body settles. I begin to melt into the present moment. And it feels good. I feel good. I am OK. None of the other stuff matters. In the present moment, all is well. I feel expansive, more peaceful. And very grateful. Just 15 minutes, but everything has shifted.
I have an image that my experience was like driving around without directions, just taking every turn here and there, going round in circles, feeling lost and anxiously out of control. Sitting to meditate was like pulling over to the side of the road, deciding my destination was “peaceful presence” and typing it into my GPS. Like choosing to ask for directions instead of driving aimlessly.
Is there still a list of options for my day ahead? Oh yes. But it feels different. I feel inspired, not stressed. I know what I have to do first. I need write down this experience. Not only to share it, but to embed this teachable moment into my own consciousness.
So, here I am, outside, sitting on the patio, writing it all down to share. And I am feeling like this is what I want to do right now. As I look around, I feel inspired to clean up this space. It’s my refuge and I have neglected it most of the summer. It’s not too hot. I’ll be outside. I’ll be “productive”, but I will also be enjoying the journey. I can listen to an inspirational podcast. Or just enjoy some music. Or listen to the birds. I can breathe the fresh air and feel spacious. It is the perfect next thing to do in my day. And without meditating, I wouldn’t have got here. I’d probably be back on facebook, thinking others know better what life is about then I do.
Here’s to taking the time to slow down and ask for directions. To tune into the quiet space inside to think about where we really want to go. To reconnect with our wise selves.
Wishing that for you,
Namaste,
Donna